I bet you’re not thinking of me now, save for the ten dollars I owed you, maybe more in your opinion. I bet you didn’t think I was serious when I told you they would punish me in the worst way. I bet you thought I was exaggerating when I said that I would probably never get to see you again. I bet you thought I was lying when I lay with you on the makeshift bed and mumbled I love you by accident. I bet you thought I used you. I bet you thought it was all going according to some sick sadistic plan of my mentally savage mind.
I bet you think nothing of me now.
I bet I’m just another whore to you.
I bet you think you can beat this demon and that I may too.
I bet you’re wrong and I bet we’ll both be dead before we ever meet again.
I bet I’ll forget the outline of your jaw bone and the cartilage of your nose.
I bet I’ll forget the piercing blue hue of your irises and the angelic way you look when you fall out into opiated bliss.
I bet this was all a dream, contrived in my mind to escape my mundane reality.
I bet this was all the culmination of my freedom.
I bet this is the end of my connection to the real world.
I bet this was my bon voyage adventure.
I bet that hike we would’ve taken would’ve been astonishing.
I bet we would have laughed and stumbled, and felt so small atop the highest point.
I bet we would have carved our initials into a dry tree in a conspicuous spot, like all sickeningly in love couples do.
I bet we would have chuckled at the irony because we are not in love; nay, we are mere lovers.
Had we been in love…

I loved the secrecy, but the cat’s out of the bag now.
At least our bodies aren’t in body bags.
Though I wish mine was sometimes.
If I can’t have you, it feels like I can’t have a life.
Not a life worth living, anyway.
I’ll always behave in reprehensible ways, and it will not be tolerated by anyone, except maybe by you.
But now I bet I’ll never fucking know.

I had only been seeing you for a short while, but baby the chemistry between us was enough to burn the whole earth up in flames and thick black smoke.
I hope you never think poorly of me; I know one day, we will soon again meet.
I hope the spark still yields from the flint that is your fingertip on my skin.
I hope your eyes won’t reveal a shell of a human dead inside.
I hope you’re willing to forgive me and know that I was willing to run away with you and start over.
But everyone knows, two addicts can only keep each other sick.
Such a sad Romeo and Juliet story, but the ending sounds enticing if eternity with you is the prize to be won.

I hope you respect me and respect my honesty, despite the overwhelming nature of the gorily detailed divulgence.
I hope your father forgets me, and never finds out I am what I am. I hope he still thinks highly of me.
I have so much fucking pride.
I wish I could oust my demons and live purely.
I wish I could figure this out with you, but I know I’ve made a bed of nails and you’re just one of the weakest ones that will crumble under my weight.

I bet you’re not even hurting.
I bet you’re not obsessing.
I bet you’re not getting clean.
I bet you’re not even missing my energy.
I bet you’re satiated, no longer hungry for my essence.
I bet you’re satisfied with the reverie that it must seem our misadventures were.
I bet you’re still alight with beauty under this sunny sky.
I bet you’re still pondering your own thoughts, none of them involving me.
I want not to consider you anymore.

I want you to be another one of my past endeavors, which all amassed to sheer nothingness.
You meant the world, for all of three days.
Today, as yesterday, as tomorrow, as forever, you will be weighing heavily on my fragile mind.
You understood me, you caressed me, and you pulled words I’d typically choke on from my lips so easily, like sand that flows effortlessly through an hourglass.
And I melted in front of you.
My legs quaked like a leaf in a thunderstorm at the sensation of your slightest sweetest touch.
My insane mind led me to the darkest recesses, and embarrassingly, I dissolved into tears at the peak.
I’m usually tough as Teflon, but this life has taken a red-hot iron rod and branded me as a misfit.
This life like waves over sand, has washed over me repeatedly and beaten me down into a perfect shiny shell, hollow and empty inside, no ocean rushing within, no creature calling me home.

I bet you’re angry I blew our cover.
I bet you’re irritated I left unexpectedly.
I bet you think we’ll never again speak.
I bet you think I humiliated you.
I bet you think I’m the scum of the earth.
You wouldn’t be wrong to assume such.

I bet you want to crush my skull,
or inject me with a lethal dose of poison and
hold my body as my lips turn purple,
my limbs go limp,
and my eyes roll back,
lifeless.

I bet you’ll laugh then.
I bet you’ll carry my body to your car and
dump it in the woods.
I bet you’ll go home and
shoot a lethal speedball yourself.

I bet you’ll survive.
And I bet you’ll drive
back for more, more poisonous heaven.

And I bet you’ll think that our time spent was
all a sweet reverie and that
life can continue now as it always has.
The world will keep spinning for you, and
business will continue as usual for you, but never again,
for me.
I will burnburnburn.

Finally reworked this piece from Lord knows how long ago.

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Tears stream down like fish swim downstream.
Someone once said, “don’t kill yourself, kill your life.”
And it made me ponder how to staunch my flowing blood.

Drowning in a pool of prismatic pigmentation.
Seeking gold on an abandoned beach in December.
Sweating and seething, but paralyzed by the pain.
Mirages and masquerades dance before my eyes.

Dreams so far from reality make awakening a lesson in misery.
How am I to jump ship after I captained it so bravely?
I am simply a coward cursing the sky, the sea, the stars, the sun.

Finding joy in so little; finding it so difficult to lift myself out of bed and into the world.
Limbs like lead, a body fighting a determined mind.
But when did determination not translate to action?

Lustrous lives play out on social networks, as my lazy lifestyle pulls me into the mud.
Could I be somebody? Somebody I respect and love?
Could I smile and not be feigning happiness?
I’m a quarter of a century old and I’ve nothing to show for it but the scars on my frail figure.

I could make a swift departure.
I could search the land beneath for diamonds.
I could find my purpose and passion.
But I think for now I’m just possessed.

And I think for now, I am stuck in a burning building.
I am too afraid, like a mouse hiding from a ravenous cat.
I worry, whisper, and whimper. But I fail to work, walk, and wish.
I guess for now, I’m a silly fish swimming upstream against the current.
I’ll never reach the delta of the river any time soon.

Maybe I’ll grow up, maybe I’ll grow hardened.
Maybe one day I’ll glorify my surroundings in grateful fashion.
But for now, for unseen forever, I’ll just do as a swan: Graceful on the surface, but a nervous wreck below, treading water to stay afloat.
To stay

Alive.

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I’m a fairy who sees an ogre in the mirror.
I’m a sailboat that floats like a cargo ship.
I’m an angel whose halo burned too brightly, it set fire to my face.
Now I observe the devil in my eyes, my skin, veins, tongue.

The winter evaded my desire for icy conditions outside,
yet a mere toothpick could shatter my frozen heart trapped inside my brittle rib cage.
Baby, won’t you admit it? That I’m a deviant worthy of an untimely death?

I push and shove, yet the weight won’t budge.
Withering in reality, but in my mind’s eye,
I’m corpulent as they come.

I copulate with the serpents, incurring venomous intent.
All these rattle snakes warn me, yet still, I solicit the darkness.
My love for life is inferior to my lust for passion.
Poltergeists and ghosts infest my home.
My temple is crumbling like an ancient work of art.

I held your comatose hand in the hospital hoping for a sign of cognizance to flash across your face, but only my tears seared your flesh, and only my mother kept me from staying with you.
It happened so suddenly.

We had just seen each other on my parents’ front porch.
I was angry and I stormed off without a farewell, not knowing I’d never get to hear your voice again.
I’m so apologetic. I wish I was normal, if only for your sake.
Maybe I could have saved you, been the daughter you always wanted.

Now with every birthday comes a funeral,
And every deserving being who has passed on deserves a proper sendoff.
You were deprived of such, or maybe my selfish mind has convinced me that funerals and caskets aren’t simply to honor the dead.

Your name brings water to my eyes, memories of you cause me to erupt in misery, but that’s nothing new. You’re the only one
I lose my breath and the pent-up emotions shake me like an earthquake.
How could you leave us so soon?
I never got to make you proud, I’ll never get to now.
I’m a monster in sheep’s clothing, and I’m failing you miserably.

One day, I’ll accept myself, and accept love into my existence.
Some day, I’ll be content, and some day, I’ll see you again.
And you’ll be smiling, swollen with pride.
You’re my angel now… I will honor your life one day and you’ll smile.
I’ll smile, one day.