Tears stream down like fish swim downstream.
Someone once said, “don’t kill yourself, kill your life.”
And it made me ponder how to staunch my flowing blood.

Drowning in a pool of prismatic pigmentation.
Seeking gold on an abandoned beach in December.
Sweating and seething, but paralyzed by the pain.
Mirages and masquerades dance before my eyes.

Dreams so far from reality make awakening a lesson in misery.
How am I to jump ship after I captained it so bravely?
I am simply a coward cursing the sky, the sea, the stars, the sun.

Finding joy in so little; finding it so difficult to lift myself out of bed and into the world.
Limbs like lead, a body fighting a determined mind.
But when did determination not translate to action?

Lustrous lives play out on social networks, as my lazy lifestyle pulls me into the mud.
Could I be somebody? Somebody I respect and love?
Could I smile and not be feigning happiness?
I’m a quarter of a century old and I’ve nothing to show for it but the scars on my frail figure.

I could make a swift departure.
I could search the land beneath for diamonds.
I could find my purpose and passion.
But I think for now I’m just possessed.

And I think for now, I am stuck in a burning building.
I am too afraid, like a mouse hiding from a ravenous cat.
I worry, whisper, and whimper. But I fail to work, walk, and wish.
I guess for now, I’m a silly fish swimming upstream against the current.
I’ll never reach the delta of the river any time soon.

Maybe I’ll grow up, maybe I’ll grow hardened.
Maybe one day I’ll glorify my surroundings in grateful fashion.
But for now, for unseen forever, I’ll just do as a swan: Graceful on the surface, but a nervous wreck below, treading water to stay afloat.
To stay

Alive.

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I’m a fairy who sees an ogre in the mirror.
I’m a sailboat that floats like a cargo ship.
I’m an angel whose halo burned too brightly, it set fire to my face.
Now I observe the devil in my eyes, my skin, veins, tongue.

The winter evaded my desire for icy conditions outside,
yet a mere toothpick could shatter my frozen heart trapped inside my brittle rib cage.
Baby, won’t you admit it? That I’m a deviant worthy of an untimely death?

I push and shove, yet the weight won’t budge.
Withering in reality, but in my mind’s eye,
I’m corpulent as they come.

I copulate with the serpents, incurring venomous intent.
All these rattle snakes warn me, yet still, I solicit the darkness.
My love for life is inferior to my lust for passion.
Poltergeists and ghosts infest my home.
My temple is crumbling like an ancient work of art.

I held your comatose hand in the hospital hoping for a sign of cognizance to flash across your face, but only my tears seared your flesh, and only my mother kept me from staying with you.
It happened so suddenly.

We had just seen each other on my parents’ front porch.
I was angry and I stormed off without a farewell, not knowing I’d never get to hear your voice again.
I’m so apologetic. I wish I was normal, if only for your sake.
Maybe I could have saved you, been the daughter you always wanted.

Now with every birthday comes a funeral,
And every deserving being who has passed on deserves a proper sendoff.
You were deprived of such, or maybe my selfish mind has convinced me that funerals and caskets aren’t simply to honor the dead.

Your name brings water to my eyes, memories of you cause me to erupt in misery, but that’s nothing new. You’re the only one
I lose my breath and the pent-up emotions shake me like an earthquake.
How could you leave us so soon?
I never got to make you proud, I’ll never get to now.
I’m a monster in sheep’s clothing, and I’m failing you miserably.

One day, I’ll accept myself, and accept love into my existence.
Some day, I’ll be content, and some day, I’ll see you again.
And you’ll be smiling, swollen with pride.
You’re my angel now… I will honor your life one day and you’ll smile.
I’ll smile, one day.