So this is hell on earth. Sober, yet the walls close in further and further with each passing hour, minute, second. Dragon breath tickles my baby hairs on the back of my neck. Bruises bloom across my neck and my limbs. Nightmares on the movie reel inside my wretched mind. Happiness at home evaporates like vapor. Tortured and trapped. History, rewritten. Pain explosions like algae blooms in a red tide. Not one call to the authorities who could fish me from this frozen lake. Fear and pain. Tears and smoke. Why am I alive, God? What is to come of this? Where is the silver lining? Parents conflicted. Switching children, traitors in blood. Belief evades my evidence. Living in a nightmare. A beast breathes heavily next to my broken body. Trash spilled, broken decor, bills unpaid, eviction looms. Noise complaints pile up. No reconciliation in site. Satan keeps me from my Maker, yet I crave His Love so. Looking for a trap door, back door, life boat. Ridicule and hatred seethe from the monster’s pores. Trying to keep my head and wits, losing strength with every one of the hits. Medication can’t change the other not ingesting it. Blame it all on me. Crucify my lying, stupid, whorish, dumb, bitchy, psycho brain and guts. Christ, I am calling for you, but you keep letting me drown. What good can come of this? Why do you let me survive the traumas? I want a life with flowers in a vase on my own table with matching chairs. I crave a warm mattress and the tool that is a cell phone. I yearn for transportation and safety. My poor decisions and mistakes in the past do not define me, but my dedication to work, diligence, intelligence, and commitment to excellence still prevail today. Make me whole, Lord. Bring me peace. Deliver me from the evil that is under my roof. I’m your warrior, truth seeking, hardworking soldier. I go to battle for you every day. I struggle with this mental illness, but my sobriety has been long lived and there is not a bone in my body that wishes to surrender that control. That, you have given me. You’re the only one who knows my heart and my soul. Please, Lord, deliver me. Put me on a path of peace and knowledge. Let me be an instrument of your message. Please, deliver me from this suffering and pain. I love You with my whole heart. No one can judge me but You.

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